PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Tarzan's first (???) time

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for
30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped
holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary
figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered
Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in
awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal
passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and
gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed
"What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

LOVE vs. LUST vs. MARRIAGE

LOVE: When you take a bubble bath together
LUST: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
MARRIAGE: When you give the kids a bath

LOVE: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
LUST: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
MARRIAGE: 4 Happy Meals...to go

LOVE: Giving your love some candy
LUST: Thinking you are the candy
MARRIAGE: Scraping candy off of the carpet

LOVE: A night out at the Symphony
LUST: A night out at the Ramada Inn
MARRIAGE: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

LOVE: Aroma -- French perfume
LUST: Aroma -- Brut aftershave
MARRIAGE: Aroma -- "The baby needs changing..."

LOVE: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
LUST: "I can think of a way to stay warm..."
MARRIAGE: Your teenager just took your jacket

LOVE: Talking and cuddling
LUST: Rolling over and falling asleep
MARRIAGE: Getting up to wash your hands...

LOVE: Finding the "Fell in LOVE on AOL" chat-room
LUST: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room
MARRIAGE: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room

LOVE: Long drives through the countryside
LUST: Long parking sessions at LOVEr's Lookout
MARRIAGE: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat

LOVE: Sex every night
LUST: Sex 5 times a night
MARRIAGE: Sex ?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "makin love".
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When...uh...what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all
around
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.

Intro...

A series of raunchy, "mature audience only" jokes that I used to send to my colleagues was enjoyed very much by them. I had been picking up the jokes from the book titled "Rude and Politically Incorrect" from Allan Pease. We forget most things if we dont write them down, so this blog. :-P

What exactly classifies as RNPI????

1) Jokes that you dont want your mother to know that you know. ;-)
2) Jokes that will get you fired if you utter them in an office party... :-D

For once, I happened to read the foreword of a book I liked and I enjoyed the one for RNPI. Here is one reason why. If you say something about a particular religion/community then you are wrong. If you say something about every religion/community then you are funny.

Hope you will hurt ur belly laughing... :-)